i'm falling ill.

i am pretty positive i have a sinus infection, so i need to begin pounding the meds. 

although i was cured for a couple hours by friendship, among other things. symptoms only really hit me at night, and in the morning. odd. 

i skipped out on church today just to try and rest up so i would feel better. 

i have a long day planned for tomorrow, which includes going into the city. 

i have a couple things to pick up for Savannah's birthday. 

tonight i was thinking about when she had surgery last year and when we were just sitting in her hospital bed making jokes. we were watching UFC and she was little "too medicated." something about a Rolling Stone cover also, but i don't remember what? i'll have to ask mom. she was sitting there laughing at us i remember. it's weird how low and risky times in life bring beauty. it's like we finally realize we are alive and begin to appreciate it much more knowing that it can be taken easily. 

it's like the hilarity-soaked drive home from Rock Hill following Elyse's funeral 3 years back. 

it's like the jokes and nights in Brandon's bed after TJ died. and the unbelievably topsy turvy car ride home from Warped Tour after we found out the news. we sat in hotel hallways not knowing how to trust God. i laid face down on a vintage-smelling couch while Brandon laid on the floor, face to the ceiling asking why. there's still something beautiful, and i can't catch what it is. but i get a glimpse in my head every now and then. i have to go on a journey of thought before i get there. it's almost like i'm surveying every detail of the situation to find out that there really is something beautiful amongst tragedy. i'm going to bet it is God's sovereignty and ability to use what we see at tragedy as an opportunity to rekindle relationships, break down pride and shed light on something thats a little greater than what we have here on Earth. 

when you look at yourself from the perspective of someone so unchanging, it's easy to notice how much you have changed. 

i am on a journey. a roller-coaster ride that'll end with me knowing that i was locked down to the tracks, just as planned. when i was at a high looking down at the low i was approaching, something was drawing near. when i thought i was alone, something was drawing near. when i was mixed up and had no clue where i was, something was drawing near. and when i get to the end and feel flustered and shaken up, something will draw near. 

goodnight.

Chadwick.